he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
a search helicopter?!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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