He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't turn off my feet"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
