saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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