She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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