How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
