there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
