Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
