Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This is classic penis vs brain.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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