My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
