Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
