I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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