I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
