I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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