i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I am spending my child support on dildos
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
