Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think my fart just growled at me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
