this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
