bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
