i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize