Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
