i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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