I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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