Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
