My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
