If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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