True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
