Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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