in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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