My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
