wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
