I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
