The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize