On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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