The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
