So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
