just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
