I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
