The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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