The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
