Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
