Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize