I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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