He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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