They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
