I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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