sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
