I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
