Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
