I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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