I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
