umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
