I could have mohawked her pubes.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
