alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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