I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
