there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
