I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
