he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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