I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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