her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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