You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Floor bacon is actually really good
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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