About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
