I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
