I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
