and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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