I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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