In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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