Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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