did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
