The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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