I hate your face
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
