my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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