Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
not ubering you a puppy
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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