Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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