my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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